Wedding Vows.

Yesterday, Chris and I attended the wedding of one of my absolute nearest and dearest friends...the closest girl I ever had to a little sister, Miranda! (Nikki, you are the closest thing to an older sister!!)

While listening to the vows, I began to get a knot in my throat and tear up.  Chris and I married on August 30, 2003 on the ABSOLUTE rainiest day I can honestly ever remember (think 7 inches of rain in about 36 hours).  Our love story is pretty boring but our life is anything but boring....THE CRAZY LIFE OF THE CUNNINGHAMS IS ALL TOO FITTING!!!

We started dating after I turned him down three times, yes you read it right, THREE times!  And, ironically, one of the three times was because Miranda was in love with him, and I couldn't bear to break her heart by going out on a date with Chris.  But, I eventually caved and never looked back.  And, obviously Miranda moved on to meet RJ!  And, once I went out one time, I was hooked.  Don't tell Chris that it was that easy!!  But, we made it dating while I was away at Wichita State and then endured nursing school at KU.  And, then we were married on the most rainy day! 
                                               INSERT WEDDING PIC HERE....can't find a digital version.

Then, the honeymoon from HELL---Montezuma's Revenge of the worst kind.  And, no, we did not drink the water.  Graduate School....man, Chris was a patient guy.  Working full-time and going to grad school part-time with clinicals was so time consuming.  Grad school DONE....and here comes Miss Mackenzie Renee. 

And, then the house project that we started before we were even married took over a whole new life of it's own.  And, in 2009, the house was FINISHED!!!

So, here comes Carson Scott. 

New jobs for both of us soon followed and a company that we started in 2005 becomes a full-time gig.  And, then Baby C #3 comes along....and boy did he come along, pregnancy of all pregnancies to the 4 1/2 months of pure joy and sorrow all wrapped into our William Howard!

Yet, through all of this ride with Chris, I still feel a deep love.  And, after listening to the vows yesterday, I realize that with time they begin to mean soooo much more.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think for richer or poorer would be my life (try a house project or owning a business or a three million dollar baby)  or that in sickness or health would be my life (pregnancy x 3, congenital heart defect in one of our children, losing a child, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins).  But the vows stand true for us, we love each other more each day.   I admire my husband and I know he admires me.

At the wedding reception, the DJ had a dance for all married couples.  And, during the dance, he called out time intervals for how long couples were married.  When your interval was called, you had to stop dancing.  We made it to the 5-10 year interval.  But, my parents made it to the 35-40 year interval....WOW (40 years this coming March)!  Surprisingly, not many more couples were still dancing.  I was honored to see this celebration.....and, proud of my parents.  Chris's parents have also been married 32+ years.  What examples we have in our lives.  And, we look forward to being the same examples in our children's lives.

A new normal????

Our life is different now.  Our family of five is still a family of five but missing a key element.  Last night, Chris and I took the kids to eat at Guy and Mae's.  Delish!  But, on the drive home, it hit that while our time with the other kids is so great, we still feel empty.  I know that these moments will continue to arise FOREVER.  But, they are so strong right now!!  There are many moments when life is going just as it should but many moments when loss hits home.  William is in our hearts and on our minds continuously.

We have all adjusted back into our routine of things.  Chris is working full-time.  And, for once, he poured concrete on the campus of Ottawa University.  I could actually see him at work from my kitchen table!!  First time EVER!! 

My cowgirl wears boots whenever given the chance!

 

Mackenzie is in full swing of first grade.  She is loving her reading time and time on the computer.  She is quite savvy at YouTube videos.  Just in case you are all wondering, there are A LOT of horse videos on You Tube. 

Carson is loving Apple Garden.  This week alone he went to the pumpkin patch and had a Harvest Party, where the most exciting element was feeling the "guts" of a pumpkin.  I know that it must have been a classmate teaching him those great words.  I don't exactly see Ms. Lisa or Ms. Kari saying the "guts" of the pumpkin. 

And, I returned to work three days last week and likely will do three days again this week.  I work at an amazing place that is so understanding of my need to grieve and regroup.  I was pretty darn busy in clinic last week which helped take my mind off of what I have gone through in the last year.  My house is almost becoming mine again.  For those that remember, I was a "little" sick with pregnancy.  So, many different family members and friends have helped out at our house for the last year.  While I couldn't have survived without help, I need to feel empowered again. 

So, OPERATION HOUSE TAKEOVER HAS BEGUN!  Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.  Organizing, organizing, organizing.  And, a lot of disposing!

Tera....this is for you!  I actually bought a new purse and threw the other out!

The purse is only one of many things that found themselves in FILE 13.

Dreams!!!

There are no perfect words to say to a parent who has lost a child....it just isn't the natural order of life.  So, words may seem awkward.  But, they mean everything to that family going through tragedy.  A simple "I am sorry" is good enough.  Just say something. 

Before William's passing, I would have struggled to say the "right" thing.  But, I now know that there is no "right" thing.  It isn't fair.  But, we were never guaranteed fairness.  William's story has taught us so much about fairness.  My baby never got to enjoy our home (2 weeks was fabulous but not long enough) yet he never cared.  His life was just as it should be in his mind....why do we as adults struggle with needing more than we are given?  William was dealt a bad hand but never a day passed that it bothered him.  He may not have know any different.  We know how things should go/be, and we are all guilty of throwing fits/tantrums when we don't get our way.  Our way is not the only way!!!

When you envision your future and your future family.....
HUSBAND/WIFE.....check
Career.....check
1st child..... MACKENZIE RENEE.......check
House of my dreams....that we remodeled......check
2nd child.....CARSON SCOTT.......check
3rd child......WILLIAM HOWARD.....check

Chris and I are blessed to be the parents of 3 amazing children. Mackenzie, our first born, is a sweet, methodical girl with a CRAZY passion for horses. Carson, our second born, has the most contagious smile and belly laugh. And, William, our third born and precious angel, showed more strength in 4 1/2 short months and brought more people together as a community and family than imaginable. Because of William, this blog has had 15,000+ page views. AMAZING!!

But, what happens when those dreams vary?  We had 3 beautiful children here on earth, but now we have 2 beautiful children on earth and 1 baby watching from Heaven.  How do you pick up the pieces and move on?  Well, moving on is not in my plans.  I am not going to forget Will's legacy--we are moving a different direction but not ON!  We have heard from many parents who have suffered the tragic death of a child, and the consensus is that you never move on just adapt and develop new dreams and goals.  Our thinking caps are on....but, the dreams and goals are still days/weeks/years away. 

An angel named William is waiting to tell his mommy and daddy what's next on our agenda.  Godspeed, Little Man, Sweet Dreams!  And, I look forward to hearing what you have in store for mommy, daddy, sissy, and bubby!  We love you to the moon and back!!

Milk Lady!!

I know I have talked about my life of pumping breastmilk for William since May, but I have never shown any pics of the milk!  And, there was lots of it left over after William passed away.  As a mom with a sick baby, there are so many things out of your control.  But, providing milk for him was in my control.  I relished this control and ran with it.

A chest freezer completely full of milk!



After William went to Heaven, we were left with the question....What are you planning to do with ALL of the milk?  Rushing into a decision seemed wrong, but the milk only lasts for so long in the freezer.  Plus, a baby could benefit from my milk immediately.  So, we gathered the milk from Ronnie's House (well, my in-laws did the gathering) and Children's Mercy Hospital and took it Great-Grandpa's Milk Bank (AKA his deep freeze that had an abundance of milk from the first hospital stay).  Called St. Luke's Human Milk Bank.  But, they could only use my milk for RESEARCH!  The comment was made that it was not okay for other human consumption besides my own child.  Because, I drank caffeine and took an anti-depressant.  Come on, it was good enough for my precious Will but not for any other baby.  Caffeine and Celexa may have been the only way this mom made it through the last 5 months!!!  The thought of Will's milk going only to research made me cringe.  I worked hard for that milk and a baby needed it.  

So, I put the feelers out and received word that 2 babies that I will get to see thrive are going to take it!  Sad as it was to see it go, I am so glad to see Will's milk feed 2 babies!  Audrey and Zachary are receiving Angel Kisses from my boy as they drink his milk.  Audrey needs a digestive system boost---what better way than breastmilk and angel kisses.  And, Zachary needs more milk on the days his mommy must work.  Being a full-time working mom myself, I know that it is hard to keep the dairy barn in full working order when you return to work.  I struggled to provide enough for Mackenzie and Carson when I returned to work.  Providing supplemental milk for Zachary is just perfect!

Zachary's box of milk

My freezer at home is bare--Great Grandpa's still has LOTS of milk available for these 2 precious babies.  And, it was a little hard to swallow and tear provoking as I handed milk out--just another reminder that William went Home just not to my home!  BUT, my ETERNAL HOME where he will wait for his mommy and daddy!  And, where is playing with our family that has passed before us.  I am sure the red-headed blue eyed boy is getting doted on every minute of every day!!