FEARS

FEARS...seems to be the perfect time to start this blog since Halloween is just around the corner...But, it has been on my heart and mind for quite some time.  

Our small group in church...which by the way might be some of the coolest people EVER is reading the book FEARLESS by Max Lucado.  This book deals with fears that we ALL struggle with on a daily basis.  And, how we should not FEAR anything.  Easier said than done, huh?

When I began reading this book, it really made me analyze the fears in my own life.  And, am I pushing my fears onto others?  Or, are they pushing their fears onto me?  Why do we FEAR?  What good does FEAR do?

What are other FEARS that can take over all rational thoughts?  Spiders for some--not me, I can squash them!  Snakes--okay maybe!  Death--NOPE, HEAVEN is WAY better!   Heights--for those that know me, this is a big deal.  But, I have photographic proof that I walked across the Royal Gorge Bridge.  My legs were shaking the whole time as I carried Carson in the Baby Bjorn and held Mackenzie's little hand.  But, I didn't let FEAR win. 

Can't see my legs quivering---but they were!!

(Kenz and Carson were so little!!)

 

SO HIGH!!

 

Not only did I walk across the bridge...but I rode in the Tram with 16 of my closest friends who waited in the same line for the craziness...BUT FEAR LOST!!

I also know that as a parent I could not let my FEAR become my child's FEAR.  Have any of you had similar situations?  Does FEAR consume your life or someone you know?  HOPE always wins and FEAR always loses!  And, no one wants to be a LOSER!

The greatest fear any parent ever has is for something to happen to one of their children.  CHECK.  Something did happen to my precious baby.  But, the whole time William was alive here on Earth--I never feared the possibility of death.  I know that seems hard to believe, but it is so true.  I had HOPE.  HOPE and FEAR are two separate things that CANNOT live as one.  So, I chose HOPE.  And, now my hope resides in Heaven.  Because, that's where my baby is.  I have HOPE for my other two children daily.  I do not fear what may happen to them.  God is in total control of their lives.  I have hope for today, tomorrow, and fond memories of yesterday for both, Mackenzie and Carson. 

I remember Chris had two weeks or so of FEAR for William when his older brother, Donnie, called him on his FEAR.  And, he changed as a parent.  He released his FEAR.  He became a parent filled with Hope rather than Fear.  It was a freeing experience for him and amazing as a wife to see the transformation. 

I also saw FEAR in my dad.  My dad is the perpetual pessimist (oh, I forgot, his favorite term...REALIST!).  He would visit William everyday (almost).  Will got used to hearing his voice right about 8-8:30 every morning.  Almost, every time my dad and I had a heart to heart about William or my other kiddos.  He would say "You just never know."  "What are you going to do if something doesn't go right?"  "You need to spend more time with Mackenzie and Carson just in case William doesn't get better."  I sensed the fear in him with each phrase that he said.  But, I held strong to my HOPE.  "I cannot think like that."  "There are no guarantees in anything we do, so this is right for today."

When one can smile after major heart surgery---why wouldn't you choose HOPE?

And...when they go through so much and still look so peaceful.  It's because HOPE wins and FEAR loses!!

So...in summary.  FEAR and HOPE can never co-exist.  CHOOSE HOPE!!  I do, daily.  And, it seems to make each day a little easier.

Tiny in Size but not Spirit

4th of July---the first time we have stayed home on the Holiday.  Chris and I decided that we could not handle a bunch of people.  You see, last year on the 4th, we were preparing for William to have his first cardiac cath on the 5th.  So, instead, we hung out at home.  The time at home gave us some reflection and freedom to do as we please.  Chris found himself doing what he does best...working on a project to keep his grief in check.  My backyard and the neighbor's yard both look cleaned up.  I did some little stuff around the house but mostly sat back and watched my family just be.  The kids played in the pool while I sat in the hammock.  Delightful may be just the perfect word.  We spent the evening in our Firetruck watching the city of Ottawa's fireworks.  Poor Chris and Carson missed them all---our boy needed a bathroom break at the most opportune of times.  The boy has been called a Pooping Machine from our old baby-sitter.  So...this leads me to the next update on my little man!!  This post is all about Carson.

Watch out---here comes a mischief maker for sure!!

Carson--some of you may know a little about our Little Man and his size issues.  He was a healthy size baby, but it didn't last long.  About 16 months of age, he went from 40th percentile to less than 3rd percentile.  We followed his growth closely with our local doc...who we value his opinion and trust his care more than any other doctor we have ever dealt with except Will's doctors who had our baby's life in their hands, literally.  But, our doc decided about 2 years ago that Carson was not growing as he should.  So, we went to Ready, Set, Grow at CMH--where we were questioned about his diet.  And, I know that some might choose one kid over the other to feed but not these parents.  We tried to increase caloric intake...hard to do when a certain boy can't tolerate milk products.  And, he just wouldn't grow.  Then, we had William...and life stood still. 

After a while, we decided that Carson was still not growing.  And our doctor thought it was best to send us down a different avenue--endocrine.  So, we took Carson to the Endocrine Clinic at CMH.  Labs--most of which were completely normal, a few a little low growth factors....wait 6 months and see where he is at.  Well, June was six months.  And, Carson didn't gain 1 ounce and only a grew 3 cms.  Then comes a referral to GI Clinic at CMH--and, when Endocrine refers you, appointments come FAST.  Way faster than when I refer a patient to CMH GI Clinic!  Well, GI Clinic led to GI testing to check Carson's digestive processes and the possibility of Cystic Fibrosis.  Carson had a sweat chloride test done.  NEGATIVE.  Praise God! 

Long story short, Carson had an EGD/Flexible sigmoidoscopy at the beginning of August.   I am a nurse practitioner in a surgery clinic that does A LOT of GI consults.  So, preparing my son for endoscopy was no biggie.  I speak the language.  And, 4 year olds think it is SUPER cool to eat Jell-O and Gatorade for dinner.  I wish my patients thought it was so cool.  But, enemas on a tiny 4 year old are just cruel.  I felt like the meanest mom ever.  And, Carson reminded me how mean I am.  Carson has never been at a loss for words...good thing we try really hard not to curse in front of our children.  Because I am pretty sure I would have been called every name in the book.  Which brings me to the best thing about the prep...."You are being a mean mommy.  Did you not read the book on 'How to be a Good Mommy'"  I proceeded to reply that, "No, I didn't read the book because I haven't seen the book on Being a Good Mommy.  But, I promise that if I do find it.  I will READ it!" 

His EGD and flex sig were negative.  So, no GI reason for his tiny size.  Carson is developmentally on track (understatement...ahead of the game on most things except growth).  He weighs only 5 pounds more than he did before he was 2...he is now 4!  We are waiting on him to grow.  But, in the mean time, anyone who knows Carson knows that TINY IN SIZE BUT NOT SPIRIT.

SCARED OF NOTHING---yep, that's him flying high!!

Summer 2013...A Review in Pictures!!!

Where did it go?  So, I realized that I never posted this post today when I went to write a post that has been weighing on my heart.

I was looking at my calendar and realized that August is TOMORROW.  Where did this time go?When did July fly by without a blink of the eye.  The Cunningham family has been really busy over the last month.  I will give you a little run down through some pictures...and write a meaningful blog in a few minutes (or a day or two).

What's not to love about this boy??  Hawaiian shirt, cowboy boots and spurs, spiked hair.

Grace Community Fellowship, here comes CARSON!!

 

A great day at the Kansas City Zoo---thanks to Will for sharing his birthday present with us to enjoy all year--and think of him when we go to the Zoo!!

VACATION/CONFERENCE---here come the Cunninghams.   Who hasn't taken this token picture?  My goal is to take one every year (or every time we head to Colorado)

C...Copper (or Carson)

M...Mountain (or Mackenzie)

One of the biggest Adirondack chairs I have ever seen....with 2 of the cutest kiddos in it!!

Carson...high flying!!

The view from our hike--Ms. Kathie's mountains!

Chris and Kenzie after finishing the zipline...Poor Carson didn't weigh enough.  But, no fear, he will definitely be ready when and if he hits 50 pounds.  Guess, you gotta get to 30 pounds first, huh?

Carson turns 4--and gets to spend his own birthday money.  What else would you buy but a raccoon hat, gun, leather billfold, and leather canteen??

Thanks to whoever asked about a cake at VBS--late night run to Country Mart and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cake to the rescue.  And, Myranda who finished the decorations for us!!!

A tradition for our lucky 4 year old...Happy Birthday at Vacation Bible School.

Me...a patient??

I have heard over and over that there is a Nurse Curse when it comes to healthcare and health issues.  Well, as you all know, it fits me to a T.  I have not seen any other mother experience hyperemesis like I have experienced it 3 different times.  I also have not seen many people suffer with post-operative nausea and vomiting like I do. 

My gall bladder has given me fits off and on since 2008.  And, the time had come for it to leave my body.  So, being the nurse practitioner that I am in, I scheduled my surgery when it was most convenient for my family and work life.  I worked in Express Care 2 extra shifts to make up for missing 4 days of work.  I arranged for my kiddos to go to both sets of grandparent's houses.  I packed their bags.  I washed all the sheets and remade all the beds.  I planned how it all would go....BUT, the nurse curse hit.

Post-operative nausea and vomiting.  I precisely couldn't make it stop.  So, I had to be admitted overnight on Wednesday.  It helped to stop the nausea (time and a lot of drugs did the trick). Surgery itself was a breeze.  And, recovering from surgery is not so bad once I quit the dry heaves.  Dry heaves with fresh abdominal incisions equals OUCH!!!

I came home to an empty house yesterday--a weird sensation for sure.  I feel much better today but still not quite the same.  My abdomen is sore.  My belly is distended, but I can eat small meals without right upper quadrant pain.  I am a hands on mom who can't pick her babies up.  I can't let them crawl on my lap quite yet.  But, soon I will feel better.

One thing about Chris and I over the last 12 months is that we don't want our babies away from arm's reach.  But, our kiddos were anxious to get away.  They were both through the roof for vacation at grandma and papas' houses.  Their excitement tore at my heartstrings just a little--why are they so excited to get away, have we been smothering them, are they just spoiled at grandma and papas'?  I think it is a little bit of stir crazy.  Carson is a homebody and always has been, but Mackenzie is a traveler.  She likes to see and do many different things.  And, she gets to ride horses and swim while visiting her grandparents.  And, it seems that we haven't done much of either of these adventurous things from our house on Poplar.  But, we have had many nights together--reading stories on our new hammock, playing in the kiddie pool, watching movies (even if the DVD player dies with 5 minutes left in the movie), cuddles in mommy and daddy's bed, etc. 

So, surgery has helped me a little--I will feel better.  I learned that once again the best laid plans are going to change.  And, that my kiddos are safe and sound even if they are not in arm's reach.  But, I will still try to keep them close. 

Chris has also learned that he needs a day of MAN TIME.  His shadow, Carson, is busy!  He is doing an amazing job trying to take care of me.  So, if you see Chris with fishing rods in his truck--don't stop him.  He needs it!!

Being a Mom....what a job!!!

This blog post might home for some and make others go hmmm!

There are days that being called "Mom" is the easiest title I have ever earned.  And, then there are the days that being called Mom is the hardest earned title I have ever earned and not so sure I deserve.  Today, I am not so sure how I earned the title or that God gave me this title and don't deserve it.  My kids are my whole world.  How did God know that I needed them probably more than they needed me?  But, yet, He knew who I needed in my world.  He knew that I needed a wonderful hubby...and showed me the ONE!!!  And, then God placed Mackenzie in my heart (and womb) and ultimately in my arms!!  And, then He gave me Carson!  And, then William!   What a story, right?

I have caught myself getting so frustrated and begging for some mommy time.  I called one of my best friends today to bitch and moan (pardon my language, but it is what I was doing)!  I am done with 7 year old eye rolls, 3 1/2 year old deafness (or perception of deafness when I am talking), cooking, cleaning, demanding chores be finished, wiping bottoms, and the list goes on and on and on and on. 

And, then I remember where I was a year ago.  William had just had his first open heart surgery and hope was high.  We were in a whole new world...the one of parents who have a child with a critical illness.  We were also living in Ronnie's House and not able to see our other kiddos...as they had Hand-Foot-Mouth disease 1 week before surgery.  Man, what a year it has been.  Some of my greatest days ever have taken place in the last year.  I saw my baby be whisked away in 2 different ambulances--1 time a few mere hours after he was born.  I saw my oldest finish Kindergarten, loose a tooth (and then another 4), start/finish first grade, and turn 7...hence, the eye rolling 7 year old.  I saw my little man become a big brother, start preschool, go to the dentist for the first time.  I have also held my babies up when I was so incredibly weak and unable to do much more than just hug them.  I have learned to relish my name Mom...what a blessing God gave me.  Even on my hardest of days (and there have been plenty of those) I can smile knowing that Mom is a name I was meant to have forever.  And, I also realized that God gives the perfect kiddos to the perfect parents.  Mackenzie, Carson, and William are my perfect babies....2 here on Earth with me and 1 in Heaven following me everywhere I go.

Almost exactly 1 year ago..his first surgery was June 4, 2012

 

All 3 babies under one roof...a crazy 2 weeks!! 

But, the greatest 2 weeks of William's short time here on Earth. 

 

Back in CMH...July 2012

 

My favorite picture of all 3 babies...2 cardiac caths, 2 open heart surgeries, 4 months in a hospital.  And, Mackenzie and Carson had such complete love and devotion for William.

I have seen my job as a mommy change in so many ways.  I went from a milk cow to a grieving, heartbroken mom  to a cuddler who allows her babies in her bed (and, this HARDLY ever happened prior to 1 year ago) to a soccer mom to a T-ball coach to a GRUMP today!!!

What a blessing to have the title Mommy!!  I have learned in the past year that my life as a mom is kind of like my life as a Christian...some days are easy and some not so much.  But, God is guiding me in both walks.  And, this might make it a tad easier to be a good Mommy and Christian. 

My Peanut is 7!!

May 15, 2006 was a LIFETIME ago for our family.  In fact that was the day that the Cunningham Family went from Sara and Chris the couple to parents.  What an adventure it has been!!  Couldn't be prouder and happier to have the titles of Mom and Dad!  Thanks Peanut for starring in this daily movie feature!  As you know, it is a work in progress.  Editing occurs everyday.  We appreciate you being the one to help us shape and hone our skills. 

But, why do you keep growing up?  7 candles on your cake, really???

Slumber Party---Yes, I was that brave!!!  All the girls were perfectly well-behaved!!  Thanks to the fellow mommas for raising delightful daughters!

 

 

Raygen is a giggle box!!!  And, a fighter when she is woken up in the middle of the night!!

Ashlyn can HULA!!!

 

Happy Birthday, William!!!

First birthdays are a BIG deal!  And, William Howard Cunningham celebrated his first birthday in the arms of Jesus rather than his Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, and Bubby.....which, means his birthday was a BIG DEAL and the REAL DEAL!!!  I am sure his cake was made of the best ingredients and even prettier than his Aunt Amanda could have made for him.  I just hope he was able to make a mess of it.

I am not gonna lie and say that this was easy to accept because it was not easy at all.  But, it was reassuring to know that my baby boy was able to celebrate with Jesus and family members that I have not even met.  We also were able to celebrate here on Earth as well.  As a friend declared, It was Will Day!!   Everyone wore their blue Will shirts--family and friends alike.  And, we celebrated for our little red-headed angel.  The family cruised in the Diamond T Fire truck.  If you live in Ottawa, we have been cruising all over town in honor of our baby boy.   Friends and family even cruised around town with us on Friday night.   Thank you to the cars that pulled over in respect of a fire engine with lights and sirens blaring.  But, Ottawa Fire Department has bigger, brighter, and newer engines than the 1952 truck.  But, none of OFD's trucks have the memories that ours has! 

William received some pretty cool gifts for his birthday.   William now has a star in his memory at the International Star Registry....William_Cunningham5.  William also received a family Zoo pass to the KC Zoo.  Well, he will get to visit it every time we go.  I am sure we will feel his presence when we walk through the Zoo to see all the creatures from near and far.  And, his family received some really pretty flowers, too!!

Life!

As most of you have noticed, I haven't blogged in a while.  Finding me time is hard to do....and, the problem of a computer that needs a new battery.  I never seem to have it in my room when I am ready to blog!!  But, just so you all know, The Cunningham 5 are going strong--4 here on Earth and 1 in Heaven!

Mackenzie is playing soccer....well, she's on the field.  Last week's games seemed to reveal that all of the kids on her team are playing for fun not to WIN!  Chris cringed a little at the lack of focus.  He's coaching T-ball, so we shall see what happens when he's the coach.  And, no, I did not sign him up, but he has been elected to serve!!!

I am totally the mom who cheated and took her own photo!!

 

 

Carson is goofy as ever living the life of a 3 1/2 year old!  He loves Apple Garden.  And, for any friends looking for great child care/preschool, Apple Garden is AMAZING!!!  We have always been blessed with loving homes for our children to go to day in and day out while we work.  But, we have never used a day care center until now.  And, we hit the jackpot!  It is like "Brittany's House" and "Holly's House" but with preschool.  Carson is loved every minute of everyday!!

And, sometimes, he gets a little worn out!!!

 

 

William is missing from our home but not from our thoughts and memories.  I am so glad that we talk about our precious angel all the time.  Our kids love and miss their brother as much as we do.  Here are a few pics from Easter.  Holidays are hard!!  I am not going to lie about it either.  I cry all the time but more on the holidays!!!

We received a concrete statue of a baby boy...he guards our door!!  And, in my holiday door pics, he will always be with Mackenzie and Carson.

Loving his brother!!  These moments are so special yet tear-jerking!!!

Chris and I trying to smile!!

 

 



 



Cunninghams....an update

It seems like I don't have much time for blogging anymore.  Actually, I have the time, but not always the energy.  It seems like so much has changed for our family the past year, yet so much is the same.  We still live the Crazy Life everyday.  But, we live a new crazy life. 

When people get married, they usually have a time called PK (pre-kids).  Chris and I had this time.  Then, it becomes P2 (pre-kid number 2).  We loved these years with Mackenzie.  But, then that era ended with the arrival of Carson.  So, then we began P3 (pre-kid number 3).  We had fun as a family of four but knew that this time was short as well.....three years.  Because, after all, birth control can and does work when it is supposed to work!!!  And, then we had William. 

So, we began AK3 (after-kid 3).  Our AK3 was/is not at all what we envisioned it to be.  But, it's our life.  We are trying to embrace the moments with Mackenzie and Carson here on Earth while aching daily for our baby boy!  And, I must say that I think we are doing an okay job.  The lesson of life goes on is hard.....but, it goes on, just a different and new way.  There's not a moment that goes by that Will doesn't cross our mind.  School, Work, Illness, Holidays, Sports, Church, etc.  So, here are some pics of our Crazy Life!!!

10 months ago.....

10 months ago was my baby boy's birthday.  And, it does not seem possible that 10 months have passed since William joined our family.  His birthday was an adventure of new sorts for Chris and I, the nurses in the delivery room, the doctor, and our families. Delivery was just the beginning of his adventure.  And, his adventure was short and compact yet ever so busy. 

Can many say that they completed as much as Will did in 4 1/2 short months?  He had 3 ambulance rides--1 in utero, 1 on his birthday, and 1 at 12 days of age....and, I have had only one in my life (and, William was there!!)  2 open heart surgeries, 2 attempted cardiac catheterizations, multiple (okay, multiple, multiple) feeding tubes.  Still not sure how one little finger could hook that tube and pull it out in no time flat.  William had 11 different cardiologists see him, 2 cardiac surgeons, so many NPs (his mommy kind of likes this one, she is a little partial to NPs), so many nurses watch and love him day in and day out.  2 amazing fundraisers, 3 newspaper articles, and a Firetruck ride to his final resting place.  And, after that final ride, William still managed to find his commercial debut.  He has spots on 2 different Children's Mercy Hospital commercials.  If you are ever at our house and one comes on, be prepared for the TV to pause, so we can have our moment with the beautiful red-headed baby boy.  The list of William's accomplishments in his 4 1/2 months goes on and on. 

But, his memory shines the brightest in our home.  We talk about William with Mackenzie and Carson all the time.  I never want their memories to fade.  I want them to know that he was a miracle and now works Miracles.  The love of a family never fails.  And, this is what seems to make the darkest days a little better.

Chris and I cry for our littlest man every day.  We ache to hold him.  But, we know that William is now holding us.  He watches over his mommy and daddy.  He helps his big sister and big brother every day.  Will still brings us to smile as we cry.  Happy 10 months, Baby Boy!!!

Heart Surgery....."That was EASY!!"

Giggles with Daddy!

True William!

Love!!

Today is Valentine's Day!  So, I thought I would reflect on it a little or a lot.  Who knows how long this will be.....Love is something that is in constant motion.  Meaning I never stop loving or being loved.  This past year, I learned so much about the love others have for my family and me.  And, I learned to love more than I dreamed I could. 

My parents have always shown me unconditional love.  And, what a lesson they taught me.  I learned that a mother's love goes without saying but when mommy says it...she means it with all of her heart.  And, a daddy's love is the same way.  So, I learned from the best of examples.  Thank you with all of my heart, Mom and Daddy!  I love you so much.  And, I value your love so much!!! 

First, learn to love a man who will be the father of your children, and allow him to love you in a way you never dreamed.  Chris---this is you!  I love you and you love me in return.  The list of reasons I love you is endless.  But, I love to laugh with you no matter what we are going through together.....we do it together!!  I love you!!!!!

When children are born, you love them instantly with all of your heart and soul.  Mackenzie is the first born in our home--and the first child, I was able to experience this unconditional mother's love.  And, then came Carson!  And, as a mom you worry about being able to share your love with another baby.  But, just as God loves us all, He also provides us with a way to love MORE!  And, this year, I have felt God's Love in my home! William was born this past year--and yet again, my mommy heart grew to love more.  What a blessing children are on Valentine's Day!  They remind us of TRUE LOVE!  And, they make me remember how much I truly LOVE their Daddy!  He's a great guy, and Mackenzie, Carson, and William are lucky to feel his love!  Just as I am! 

William was our miracle!  My heart and soul still sob everyday for William.  But, I am able to rejoice in knowing that my Father is loving him every minute of every day!  Trick or Treating in Heaven had to be an adventure--as Carson stated, William got lots of baby candy!  He got to spend Christmas in Heaven--a dream come true for all of us.  He gets to feel Jesus's love on Valentine's Day!  He will have a 1st Birthday in Heaven....and the list goes on.  The love of a mommy never ends.

Wear RED!!



www.chdfamilies.org


This a repeat post from last year.  But worth the read.

HEART DISEASE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF WOMEN

AND THE NUMBER THREE KILLER OF MEN!!!

CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS AFFECT 1 in 100 babies born.  1 in 100 babies affected make it the NUMBER 1 birth defect for babies!!!  Congenital Heart Disease Awareness week is February 7th thru 14th.  So, in honor of William, I wanted to share a little about the impact of heart disease on everyone.  And, I wanted you all to be encouraged to WEAR RED!!!

William Howard Cunningham was that 1 in 100.  During his short little life, we have learned so much about congenital heart defects and the impact that they have on these babies (who grow into big kids and adults).  The impact of congenital heart defects is huge.  1 in 100 babies are affected and so are their families (immediate and extended), communities, healthcare providers, hospitals and their staffs.  The list could go on and on detailing who is affected by Congenital Heart Defects.

2 days after his second open heart surgery.

William's story has reached so many people, but he was just one baby with a broken heart.  Chris and I met so many others with the same story just a different defect and different outcome.  Each baby's story is different yet the same.  Babies born with heart defects endure numerous exams, many hospital stays, many surgeries or procedures.  And, so did our precious Will.

In the past, heart disease awareness was something that I thought about at work but never much at home.  However, this year, HEART DISEASE AWARENESS MONTH is A HUGE FOCUS in our home.  We are WEARING RED and telling our boy's story. 

We are also thinking about our family members who have been affected by heart disease from Chris's Grandpa Miller (or Great Papa Miller to Mackenzie and Carson) to Grandma Miller ( because a Stroke is a form of heart disease) to my Grandma PeeWee.  She was the picture of a time bomb waiting to go off (high blood pressure, high stress, 1 1/2 pack a day cigarette habit) when it did last February.  At the age of 84, she went from uncontrolled high blood pressure (not really uncontrolled if you ask her) to QUADRUPLE BYPASS.  And, then came cardiac rehab (that EXERCISE word) and she came out of it all shining brighter than ever and CIGARETTE free.

When Chris and I started talking about heart defects after William's diagnosis last May, I began to think about how many other babies I know or knew have had heart defects.  I thought of my friend Brooke who had a PDA closure as an infant and now is a mother of two little boys.  I thought of Kinlee, my friend Tera's daughter, who had a septal defect and is now a beautiful, sassy 13 year old.  I thought of Kennison, my friend Jamie's daughter, who has an arrythmia, but struggles daily to bring it to other's attention.  I think of the sweet girl whose heart races and no one knows most of the time.  I think of the procedure that she will likely need for the arrythmia to go away! I thought of the first baby I detected a murmur on in the ER who went have open heart surgery a week later and is now a wild 7 year old boy.  I thought of Jacob, my friend Stephanie's son, who also had TAPVR and is a growing 10 year old now.

And, I think of Harlie, a baby who I met in the PICU, whose defect is so very different from Will's but whose story of detection is eerily the same.  I think of Audrey, my cousin.  She and William were the two babies born in the Pierce family this year...and, they both had/have heart defects.  Audrey has a bicupsid aortic valve and a small septal defect.  My cousin, Sally (Audrey's mom) and I never dreamed to know or learn as much about pediatric cardiology as we have this year.  You see, we are both nurses, and have learned a few things about heart disease in adults but not pediatrics.  Pediatric Cardiology is new game for us.  But, we both embraced this time to learn to know what is best for our HEART KIDDOS!!!  I think of Kayden whose mom we met at Ronnie's House.  Kayden and Will were quite the pair for the PICU nurses.  Those boys were HIGH maintenance at times.  I think of Ella and her family, who I have never officially met.  I think of the Dwyer's who I know through Facebook and mutual friends.  I think of Ryder, whose parents we never officially met, and his long stay in the PICU.  And, now, we also think of the Congenital Heart Defect Families.  This is an amazing group of families who have the same story as us but with all different endings.  Check out their Facebook page Congenital Heart Defect Families or their website: www.chdfamilies.org

My boy tube free---only lasted a few minutes, but this is a reminder that Congenital Heart Defects aren't seen on the outside.  Unless, you get to catch a view of the cool scar on his chest!!

Another tube free pic!  Looks like a healthy baby, huh??

Please think of William this month.  But, also think of the other babies like him who are no longer with us on Earth.  Think of the babies here on Earth who are fighting the fight of their life each and everyday.  But, also think of how your life has been touched by heart disease.  And, WEAR RED this month to honor those affected by heart disease.

WEARING RED IN FEBRUARY---"THAT WAS EASY!"

The American Heart Association has so many facts that tell everyone why they should care about heart disease.  And, I recently (okay, just a few minutes ago) looked at their website...www.heart.org  Check it out---so much info in one place.

Family Letters

I have had letters to my children on my heart for a long time...just haven't had the time to put ink to paper or my fingers to the keyboard as the case may be.  So, here goes. 

Disclaimer:  Tears may flow from my eyes as I type and yours as you read.  Remember, this is a form of therapy for a busy mom who lives the Crazy Life of the Cunninghams each and every day!!!

Mackenzie,
You are my sweet, methodical girl who strives to please.  And, man, do you ever please your mommy and daddy.  I know that this past year has aged you so much.  You have grown up in such a short time.  I often look at you and wonder where my little girl went.  And, then, I realize that the circumstances of the past year have aged us all.  You are a great daughter who has advanced so much.  From, Kindergarten to First Grade, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth---to the point that two have even fallen out, moving bedrooms with the anticipation of a new baby in the house, learning to read, teaching your dad a thing or two about YouTube.  Where has time gone....well, in 2012, it went to the hospital.  You never say much about what all transpired last year, but I know that you think about it all.  I promise, Peanut, that I am here for you to answer your Whys?, talk, cuddle, etc. for all the days ahead.  I know that there is much you would love to express but just can't.  And, this, at times, breaks my heart.  I see you struggle with grief and sadness that I can't fix.  As a mommy, there is no greater pain than to sit back and watch your child struggle to deal with the cards that they are dealt.  But, Peanut, you do it all with such grace.  You are an amazing big sister to both boys, and will forever be their big sister.  I thank God for you everyday.  Please remember that my love for you is unconditional and will forever be so.  Also, know that God's love is also unconditional.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

Carson,
You definitely put the HAM in Cunningham.  What a joy it is to be your parents.  You are the best little brother and big brother ever, all wrapped into one tiny little package.  Tiny in size but not spirit.  There are no real words to describe the energy and happiness you bring into our home.  You can light up our world with a simple giggle.  But, I have seen you change over the past year.  You are more of a homebody than ever before--and, I never dreamed this possible.  You have always been my boy who would rather stay at home than go elsewhere, but now, you never want to even leave our sides.  You would rather sleep in our room than your own room.  And, little man, I get it!  We want our kids in our backpockets more than ever before.  So, there are times that I am a little grumpy because I want my room back.....but, I won't make you leave my room for too long.  So, keep climbing in bed to snuggle!  We may growl but are ever so thankful for your snuggles.  There are never too many snuggles.  I don't want to ramble but, Carson Scott, know that our love is unconditional and everlasting.  And, so is God's love for you.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

A True Jayhawk Fan!


William,
Baby Boy, oh how I miss you.  There are so many moments each day that make me dream and wonder about what we are missing here on Earth without you.  Your fight for four short months has given us so much inspiration.  You fought the fight of your life and ultimately your fight caught up to you.  You were and always will be our little Strong-Willed Warrior.  Our red-headed one of a kind, Rare Bird!  But, you were and will be so much more.  I think of you everytime I see a baby about the same age as you and wonder.  The wonder will continue until we meet again.  But, until then, I will wonder about what you would be doing right now if you were in my arms still.  This ache is painful but peaceful at the same time.  My baby boy is 100% healed.   And, for this, I am eternally grateful to know that my God has my baby in His arms.  God is so good at all times.  And, the benefit is I have an angel on my side....just in case, you didn't know, you go everywhere I go.  And, you love the ride of my life!  It's a Crazy Life for sure.  Just do me a favor, sweet baby boy, give me a little whiff of your sweet scent when I least expect it.  This is one of the things I miss the most about you, William Howard.  I just want to see your big blue eyes and smell your sweet scent.  I miss you and my heart hurts so much for what wasn't meant to be.  But, we are going on with our Crazy Life with you by our sides. 
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

My last pic of you, sweet boy! And, of course in true Cunningham boy style, you stuck your tongue out at your mommy! Know that this makes your big brother and sister happy to see your spunk even on your last days. This was the day before you met Jesus, sweet boy!