Family Letters

I have had letters to my children on my heart for a long time...just haven't had the time to put ink to paper or my fingers to the keyboard as the case may be.  So, here goes. 

Disclaimer:  Tears may flow from my eyes as I type and yours as you read.  Remember, this is a form of therapy for a busy mom who lives the Crazy Life of the Cunninghams each and every day!!!

Mackenzie,
You are my sweet, methodical girl who strives to please.  And, man, do you ever please your mommy and daddy.  I know that this past year has aged you so much.  You have grown up in such a short time.  I often look at you and wonder where my little girl went.  And, then, I realize that the circumstances of the past year have aged us all.  You are a great daughter who has advanced so much.  From, Kindergarten to First Grade, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth---to the point that two have even fallen out, moving bedrooms with the anticipation of a new baby in the house, learning to read, teaching your dad a thing or two about YouTube.  Where has time gone....well, in 2012, it went to the hospital.  You never say much about what all transpired last year, but I know that you think about it all.  I promise, Peanut, that I am here for you to answer your Whys?, talk, cuddle, etc. for all the days ahead.  I know that there is much you would love to express but just can't.  And, this, at times, breaks my heart.  I see you struggle with grief and sadness that I can't fix.  As a mommy, there is no greater pain than to sit back and watch your child struggle to deal with the cards that they are dealt.  But, Peanut, you do it all with such grace.  You are an amazing big sister to both boys, and will forever be their big sister.  I thank God for you everyday.  Please remember that my love for you is unconditional and will forever be so.  Also, know that God's love is also unconditional.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

Carson,
You definitely put the HAM in Cunningham.  What a joy it is to be your parents.  You are the best little brother and big brother ever, all wrapped into one tiny little package.  Tiny in size but not spirit.  There are no real words to describe the energy and happiness you bring into our home.  You can light up our world with a simple giggle.  But, I have seen you change over the past year.  You are more of a homebody than ever before--and, I never dreamed this possible.  You have always been my boy who would rather stay at home than go elsewhere, but now, you never want to even leave our sides.  You would rather sleep in our room than your own room.  And, little man, I get it!  We want our kids in our backpockets more than ever before.  So, there are times that I am a little grumpy because I want my room back.....but, I won't make you leave my room for too long.  So, keep climbing in bed to snuggle!  We may growl but are ever so thankful for your snuggles.  There are never too many snuggles.  I don't want to ramble but, Carson Scott, know that our love is unconditional and everlasting.  And, so is God's love for you.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

A True Jayhawk Fan!


William,
Baby Boy, oh how I miss you.  There are so many moments each day that make me dream and wonder about what we are missing here on Earth without you.  Your fight for four short months has given us so much inspiration.  You fought the fight of your life and ultimately your fight caught up to you.  You were and always will be our little Strong-Willed Warrior.  Our red-headed one of a kind, Rare Bird!  But, you were and will be so much more.  I think of you everytime I see a baby about the same age as you and wonder.  The wonder will continue until we meet again.  But, until then, I will wonder about what you would be doing right now if you were in my arms still.  This ache is painful but peaceful at the same time.  My baby boy is 100% healed.   And, for this, I am eternally grateful to know that my God has my baby in His arms.  God is so good at all times.  And, the benefit is I have an angel on my side....just in case, you didn't know, you go everywhere I go.  And, you love the ride of my life!  It's a Crazy Life for sure.  Just do me a favor, sweet baby boy, give me a little whiff of your sweet scent when I least expect it.  This is one of the things I miss the most about you, William Howard.  I just want to see your big blue eyes and smell your sweet scent.  I miss you and my heart hurts so much for what wasn't meant to be.  But, we are going on with our Crazy Life with you by our sides. 
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

My last pic of you, sweet boy! And, of course in true Cunningham boy style, you stuck your tongue out at your mommy! Know that this makes your big brother and sister happy to see your spunk even on your last days. This was the day before you met Jesus, sweet boy!

Resolutions?

Every year I read others' resolutions and wonder how many keep them through the year.  I can't imagine many make it the whole year doing what they envisioned on January 1st.  I hope I never stick with one focus for a whole year.  Every day and every year, my life changes so much for a true resolution.  So, this year like many others, I resolve to not make a resolution.  Especially this year!  If I learned nothing else from 2012, I learned to live in the moment and go with it.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  And, the best moments are spent with those that you love.

I decided to set some personal goals....that can change as need be.

First one....more dates with Chris.  We have a great time together and never seem to spend time with just the two of us.  This past year our time together was always focused on our children or work, so in 2013, I want to enjoy each other.  Even if we end up talking about the kids or work over dinner.

Second one....more fun family time.  2012 revolved around too many hospital beds for the mom and baby brother.  So, 2013 needs to focus on fun times.  Mackenzie and Carson deserve our focus.  And, they are gonna get fun times.  I hope for one fun family night each month.  And, with this goal, I wanna focus on each child more.  I want Mackenzie and Carson to realize how important they are as individuals to our family.  I will be writing letters to them soon.  All three of my babies will get mommy notes.  I will write a disclaimer on Will's.

Third one....more time at home.  Last year was such a blur that I wanna focus on getting my house back.  We have never completed so many things because Chris worked out of town or I have been pregnant and puking.  And, yes, for me, they go hand in hand pregnant and puking.  So, I want to organize like crazy. Many may forget that there is definitely some OCD in me.  After all, my closet is color coded and organized by long and short sleeve shirts, etc.  So, watch out 841 S. Poplar.....I'm back!

Fourth one....more time for church.  Our Grace Community Fellowship family is amazing.  They have shown us so much love and provided a home for worship in recent years.  I have always been active in the church, but this year I wanna do more.  So, youth group and teen girls, watch out.  Here come the Cunninghams.

December #2....Christmas!!!

The joy of Christmas is definitely seen in the eyes of children.  And, I am forever grateful to have 2 children here on Earth to experience the joy of the holiday.  Chris and I have had such bittersweet moments this past week....but, Mackenzie and Carson have kept us going.  Here are some pics of their Christmas celebrations.  And, indeed, there were many celebrations.

RFTS Christmas Float, Ottawa Christmas Parade!

What a great shepherd she was!!

 

 

 

GCF Christmas Program....not any great pics of the cutest sheep ever.  He knew his line, "Baa." all too well!

 

 

 Pictures with Will's trucks.

And, the fun begins...Cunningham Christmas at our house!

 

 

Making brownies on Christmas Eve.  Aren't their aprons perfect??

 

 

Couldn't get all 5 to sit still long enough for a pic.

 

Golfclubs for the boy---watch out!

 

William gave a memory book!  All parties that received them had many tears!!

 

 Big Wheel Boy!

Gotta have Max in the pictures---I have pics every year of opening presents at my parent's house with the kids, and Max is in almost all of them. Can't miss the action!!

And, tuckered out...TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS!!!

 

 

 

December....#1

I have really struggled to get my words together over the past month.  So, today, I decided that I would do a few different posts about the busy, busy month of December.

Major Event #1 this month....Carson's big Eight Pointer.
Carson and Daddy went hunting together.  I would have loved to been in the blind watching Carson.  Poor Mackenzie went with her daddy soon after and didn't see anything except the back of her eyelids!  Soon, she will get to go hunting for her doe during extended season.

 

 

Major Event #2 this month....Carson's Christmas Program at Apple Garden. 

Preschool programs are such a delight to watch.  The innocence and joy in the kiddos' eyes is priceless.  Carson was all about hamming it up.  Once again, he puts the ham in CunningHAM!

 

 

Major Event #3....Christmas Festivities Begin at the Ottawa Fire Department.

My hubby volunteers with the Ottawa Fire Department.  But, you would never know that he is a volunteer rather than one of their full-time guys.  The OFD boys treat him like he is one of them.  And, they treat our family the same way.  This year, we came to see the brotherhood in new light with the passing of our William.  Many of the OFD boys served as honorary casketbearers and provided a service that a fallen firefighter receives when they pass.  Our William was ushered to his final resting place with OFD holding him steady in our firetruck.  And, because of the bond, the kids and I went to the OFD Christmas Party.  Poor Chris (and my brother) had to make an emergency trip to North Dakota to pick up a broken truck of ours.  So, Chris missed Santa and the OFD antics! 

Fireman Chris is a hero at our house!!  Just ask Carson!

GNO

Girls Night Out....very few people are lucky enough to live close to so many friends from preschool through high school (some even went to college with me) but I do.  In fact, I am the odd man out who lives far away from the rest.  Okay, maybe, an hour is not far away but sometimes it seems far away.  And, other times, it seems like they are next door.  This week, I can say that they all must live next door. 

I went out to dinner with Megan and Kodi.  And, they shared all my GNO friends' love for my family and me.  Throughout the past year, so many friends near and far have made my day.  But, these girls never fail!  They call, write, invite me out (even when they know that I can't go, but they still invite) and the list goes on and on. 

I knocked on Meg's door which was a bit of a shocker to her.  And, the night began.  Megan, Kodi, and I piled into Megan's Explorer with her behind the wheel.  I promised to not talk about her driving, so I won't!  Kodi and I navigated to 119th and Blackbob from Megan's house (and we didn't even need her fancy, schmanzy GPS).  Being in the car with them felt so normal.  And, man, normal felt so good on Tuesday after going over Will's autopsy.  I was afraid that I would be too emotionally drained to enjoy the evening--but I was not at all.  After all, I left CMH with a sense of wonder about my William.  He was an inspiration to all who had the joy of knowing him.  And, I deserved to be happy, too!  Dinner was great.  The socialization was fabulous.  But, the thoughts of my dear GNO friends were amazing to me.  The GNO group had a beautiful necklace made for me.

And, they know how much my kiddos and hubby mean to me.  These girls know ME.  They know that I am a mom and wife.  They know that sharing all my time is hard but that I LOVE to spend the most with my hubby and kiddos.  So, GREAT WOLF LODGE...HERE WE COME!!!

GNO CREW--I LOVE YOU.  And, thanks for loving me so much.  I can't wait to have many more memories with such a great crew.  We will make an awesome Red-Hatter's Club in 30 more years!!!!

Just in case, you all haven't been to SPIN Pizza--GO!  It was a great meal for a pretty reasonable price and a great atmosphere to do what all girls do together...TALK and GOSSIP, just a little.  (Molly, the gossip always seems to be less when you are absent...hmmm???)

Another week down....

 

Friday is here---and, we made it another week.  I was worried that this would be a week that I would stumble and fall.  But, in fact, it was far from this.  Going to Children's Mercy Hospital stirs all kinds of emotions.  Good and bad all wrapped together!!!

On Tuesday, Chris and I had an appointment with Dr. O'Brien and Dr. Shah as well as Dee, Will's social worker.  Going over an autopsy with parents has to be one of the most difficult parts of their jobs....and as parents, it was one of the hardest things we ever will have to do.  While driving downtown, I struggled with nerves while Chris remained cool as a cucumber.  He was aware of what we were doing, but he was ready to hear what was going to be said.  I was so jealous of his calmness!!!!  The meeting with William's doctors could not have gone better.  Will was truly our strong-willed warrior.  All cards in the deck were stacked against our babe!  And, we were and will continue to BLESSED by the little red head that we call son. 

My mom told me that she was so proud of us for making the decision to have an autopsy done.  Not having an autopsy of Will's heart and lungs ever crossed our minds.  I am a nurse who always wants to learn more as well as teach someone else.  And, Chris is a carpenter.  He puts together all kinds of puzzles everyday--analyzing piece by piece and how they all will fit together.  And, then he puts into action all the pieces to make a masterpiece.  (If you have seen my driveway, it's a masterpiece of concrete work!!) 

We wanted to know what went terribly wrong on September 22nd as much as the hospital staff did.  But, we also needed to know that Will's life would live on in our minds forever as well as teach so many more people.  And, once again, William succeeded.  I have heard that each child is one in a million--that there is no one just like another, similar yes but the same no.  Maybe elements of the others melt together but each varies....well, William Howard definitely did just this.  He didn't look exactly like either Mackenzie or Carson, and he definitely broke the medical mold!  TAPVR in itself is rare 1 in 15-20,000 babies are born with it, and less than 1/3 of those TAPVR kiddos have his infracardiac, infradiaphragmatic kind.  So...RARE BIRD!  But, even more RARE was the fact that he had another disease process as well.  Pulmonary Venous Obstructive Disease--meaning that his pulmonary veins were small to begin with and continued to narrow from his chronic pulmonary hypertension.   So, RARE meets RARE. 

Having both major cardiac disease processes is truly RARE.  Dr. O'Brien has had 3 kids out of 3500 (in 11 years at CMH) with PVOD and 1 of which also had TAPVR.  And, Dr. Shah has had 1 other patient in his career with PVOD.  The diagnosis of PVOD is not-compatible with life for any length of time.  The disease progresses until the pulmonary veins are so narrow that they can no longer bring the blood back to the heart.  Think McDonald's straw getting down to the size of a coffee stirrer.  The lungs fill up with fluid with no place to go except back to the right side of the heart--and then back to the body. 

So, our four months were an AMAZING MIRACLE.....and his name was William Howard Cunningham.  All parents think that their child is a miracle from God, and they are all miracles.  But, my baby boy might just take the cake (even if he didn't ever get to eat the cake!)

It has been said over and over again that "Burying your child is not the natural order."  And, no it isn't.  But, sometimes it happens.  I wouldn't trade a minute with my boy knowing now what I know.  He was a joy and what a beauty that we were able to bond with him.  But, he is ALL better in HEAVEN.  And, that alone, makes this mommy smile!!

Thank yous....

I have been trying to compile all my thank you letters and cards that need to be mailed out to friends, family, and community members.  But, I have struggled to get it all done.  I know that time is an issue but really the issue is that "I JUST DON'T WANNA DO IT."  I know you all are hearing me in a two year old whiny voice saying this.  Sometimes, as adults, there are so many things that we just don't wanna do but have to.  And, writing these cards and letters out is one of them.  I just don't want to have that final thing done.  William was so much more than I can write in words.  So, if you have yet to receive a thank you, I am so sorry.  I am working at it.

But, I can write out some of the many, many things that have touched my soul.  These are in no particular order just listed out.  And, if I have forgotten someone or something, my brain is mush!

My mom and dad....cause no matter what, one always needs their mommy and daddy sometimes (and their shoulders to cry on or the ears to hear your story when you can't hug them from Ottawa)

My in-laws....lending me an extra shoulder to cry on (and for Chris to have your shoulders to lean on and ears to hear his tales)

Brothers and Sisters (and in-laws)...loving us and never being afraid to say it and more importantly to show your love for the Five of Us.  And, for the amazing fundraiser on Will's behalf.  Thank you to Josh (and Amanda), Andrea (and Mike), Donnie (and Karen), Amy (and Justin).

A fellow church member and friend who served as the funeral director for William's service.  Knowing that my baby was in your hands, Eric, made my heart hurt a little less.  You are awesome at what you do....a true calling, just as my job is my calling.

A letter from someone I went to high school with about the loss of her newborn baby this past Summer...it was just what I needed.  Thank you, Tricia.  I definitely cried when I read it, but I also felt so connected.  Our stories are different but the loss is the same.

Hair interventions for all of us...cuts, color, styles, etc.  Jamie rocks!!

The many stories of those we know that have lost a child.  The tales are healing for both parties, us on the receiving end and them on the giving end.  Keep telling your stories.  They make us feel like we are not alone.  And, we continue to tell William's story everyday.

A message on Facebook from a high school classmate that has turned into a great friendship through correspondence even though she lives in Olathe (less than 25 miles away...and works in Paola also 20 miles away).  Thank you, Beth!

A card in the mail reminding me that I am strong when I feel the weakest.  And, the reassurance that one can be beautiful in other's eyes when they don't feel so beautiful.  Kirstin...I needed it this week

Calls daily.  Texts daily from my nearest and dearest friends.  EVERYONE.

Ronald McDonald House.

Friends taking me to dinner when I didn't want to get away but needed to do so.  And, the insistence that we do it again.  SOON--this week, in fact!!!  Megan, Kodi, Miranda, Molly...I need mommy time and thanks for making me take it!

Friends caring for our animals at a moment's notice.  Bowers, Browns, Wolzens, Wingerts, etc.

Ottawa....the community, Fire Department, Police Department, Ransom Memorial Hospital.

Other churches in the area...supporting William's Pancake Feed, bringing us an entire Thanksgiving dinner this week just to show love.

Friends shopping for my kiddos when I didn't feel like going to the store....Thank you Robbie and Miranda.

Nurses, Respiratory Therapists, and Doctors at Children's Mercy Hospital.....Garrett, Lori Ray, Lori, Scott, Lauren, Annie, Greg, Jessica, Kalli, Jackie, Teresa, John, Dr. O'Brien, Dr. Shah, Dr. Tieves, Dr. Allen, Dr. Vaughn, Dr. Bingler, etc!!!