Love!!

Today is Valentine's Day!  So, I thought I would reflect on it a little or a lot.  Who knows how long this will be.....Love is something that is in constant motion.  Meaning I never stop loving or being loved.  This past year, I learned so much about the love others have for my family and me.  And, I learned to love more than I dreamed I could. 

My parents have always shown me unconditional love.  And, what a lesson they taught me.  I learned that a mother's love goes without saying but when mommy says it...she means it with all of her heart.  And, a daddy's love is the same way.  So, I learned from the best of examples.  Thank you with all of my heart, Mom and Daddy!  I love you so much.  And, I value your love so much!!! 

First, learn to love a man who will be the father of your children, and allow him to love you in a way you never dreamed.  Chris---this is you!  I love you and you love me in return.  The list of reasons I love you is endless.  But, I love to laugh with you no matter what we are going through together.....we do it together!!  I love you!!!!!

When children are born, you love them instantly with all of your heart and soul.  Mackenzie is the first born in our home--and the first child, I was able to experience this unconditional mother's love.  And, then came Carson!  And, as a mom you worry about being able to share your love with another baby.  But, just as God loves us all, He also provides us with a way to love MORE!  And, this year, I have felt God's Love in my home! William was born this past year--and yet again, my mommy heart grew to love more.  What a blessing children are on Valentine's Day!  They remind us of TRUE LOVE!  And, they make me remember how much I truly LOVE their Daddy!  He's a great guy, and Mackenzie, Carson, and William are lucky to feel his love!  Just as I am! 

William was our miracle!  My heart and soul still sob everyday for William.  But, I am able to rejoice in knowing that my Father is loving him every minute of every day!  Trick or Treating in Heaven had to be an adventure--as Carson stated, William got lots of baby candy!  He got to spend Christmas in Heaven--a dream come true for all of us.  He gets to feel Jesus's love on Valentine's Day!  He will have a 1st Birthday in Heaven....and the list goes on.  The love of a mommy never ends.

Wear RED!!



www.chdfamilies.org


This a repeat post from last year.  But worth the read.

HEART DISEASE IS THE NUMBER ONE KILLER OF WOMEN

AND THE NUMBER THREE KILLER OF MEN!!!

CONGENITAL HEART DEFECTS AFFECT 1 in 100 babies born.  1 in 100 babies affected make it the NUMBER 1 birth defect for babies!!!  Congenital Heart Disease Awareness week is February 7th thru 14th.  So, in honor of William, I wanted to share a little about the impact of heart disease on everyone.  And, I wanted you all to be encouraged to WEAR RED!!!

William Howard Cunningham was that 1 in 100.  During his short little life, we have learned so much about congenital heart defects and the impact that they have on these babies (who grow into big kids and adults).  The impact of congenital heart defects is huge.  1 in 100 babies are affected and so are their families (immediate and extended), communities, healthcare providers, hospitals and their staffs.  The list could go on and on detailing who is affected by Congenital Heart Defects.

2 days after his second open heart surgery.

William's story has reached so many people, but he was just one baby with a broken heart.  Chris and I met so many others with the same story just a different defect and different outcome.  Each baby's story is different yet the same.  Babies born with heart defects endure numerous exams, many hospital stays, many surgeries or procedures.  And, so did our precious Will.

In the past, heart disease awareness was something that I thought about at work but never much at home.  However, this year, HEART DISEASE AWARENESS MONTH is A HUGE FOCUS in our home.  We are WEARING RED and telling our boy's story. 

We are also thinking about our family members who have been affected by heart disease from Chris's Grandpa Miller (or Great Papa Miller to Mackenzie and Carson) to Grandma Miller ( because a Stroke is a form of heart disease) to my Grandma PeeWee.  She was the picture of a time bomb waiting to go off (high blood pressure, high stress, 1 1/2 pack a day cigarette habit) when it did last February.  At the age of 84, she went from uncontrolled high blood pressure (not really uncontrolled if you ask her) to QUADRUPLE BYPASS.  And, then came cardiac rehab (that EXERCISE word) and she came out of it all shining brighter than ever and CIGARETTE free.

When Chris and I started talking about heart defects after William's diagnosis last May, I began to think about how many other babies I know or knew have had heart defects.  I thought of my friend Brooke who had a PDA closure as an infant and now is a mother of two little boys.  I thought of Kinlee, my friend Tera's daughter, who had a septal defect and is now a beautiful, sassy 13 year old.  I thought of Kennison, my friend Jamie's daughter, who has an arrythmia, but struggles daily to bring it to other's attention.  I think of the sweet girl whose heart races and no one knows most of the time.  I think of the procedure that she will likely need for the arrythmia to go away! I thought of the first baby I detected a murmur on in the ER who went have open heart surgery a week later and is now a wild 7 year old boy.  I thought of Jacob, my friend Stephanie's son, who also had TAPVR and is a growing 10 year old now.

And, I think of Harlie, a baby who I met in the PICU, whose defect is so very different from Will's but whose story of detection is eerily the same.  I think of Audrey, my cousin.  She and William were the two babies born in the Pierce family this year...and, they both had/have heart defects.  Audrey has a bicupsid aortic valve and a small septal defect.  My cousin, Sally (Audrey's mom) and I never dreamed to know or learn as much about pediatric cardiology as we have this year.  You see, we are both nurses, and have learned a few things about heart disease in adults but not pediatrics.  Pediatric Cardiology is new game for us.  But, we both embraced this time to learn to know what is best for our HEART KIDDOS!!!  I think of Kayden whose mom we met at Ronnie's House.  Kayden and Will were quite the pair for the PICU nurses.  Those boys were HIGH maintenance at times.  I think of Ella and her family, who I have never officially met.  I think of the Dwyer's who I know through Facebook and mutual friends.  I think of Ryder, whose parents we never officially met, and his long stay in the PICU.  And, now, we also think of the Congenital Heart Defect Families.  This is an amazing group of families who have the same story as us but with all different endings.  Check out their Facebook page Congenital Heart Defect Families or their website: www.chdfamilies.org

My boy tube free---only lasted a few minutes, but this is a reminder that Congenital Heart Defects aren't seen on the outside.  Unless, you get to catch a view of the cool scar on his chest!!

Another tube free pic!  Looks like a healthy baby, huh??

Please think of William this month.  But, also think of the other babies like him who are no longer with us on Earth.  Think of the babies here on Earth who are fighting the fight of their life each and everyday.  But, also think of how your life has been touched by heart disease.  And, WEAR RED this month to honor those affected by heart disease.

WEARING RED IN FEBRUARY---"THAT WAS EASY!"

The American Heart Association has so many facts that tell everyone why they should care about heart disease.  And, I recently (okay, just a few minutes ago) looked at their website...www.heart.org  Check it out---so much info in one place.

Family Letters

I have had letters to my children on my heart for a long time...just haven't had the time to put ink to paper or my fingers to the keyboard as the case may be.  So, here goes. 

Disclaimer:  Tears may flow from my eyes as I type and yours as you read.  Remember, this is a form of therapy for a busy mom who lives the Crazy Life of the Cunninghams each and every day!!!

Mackenzie,
You are my sweet, methodical girl who strives to please.  And, man, do you ever please your mommy and daddy.  I know that this past year has aged you so much.  You have grown up in such a short time.  I often look at you and wonder where my little girl went.  And, then, I realize that the circumstances of the past year have aged us all.  You are a great daughter who has advanced so much.  From, Kindergarten to First Grade, tying your own shoes, brushing your own teeth---to the point that two have even fallen out, moving bedrooms with the anticipation of a new baby in the house, learning to read, teaching your dad a thing or two about YouTube.  Where has time gone....well, in 2012, it went to the hospital.  You never say much about what all transpired last year, but I know that you think about it all.  I promise, Peanut, that I am here for you to answer your Whys?, talk, cuddle, etc. for all the days ahead.  I know that there is much you would love to express but just can't.  And, this, at times, breaks my heart.  I see you struggle with grief and sadness that I can't fix.  As a mommy, there is no greater pain than to sit back and watch your child struggle to deal with the cards that they are dealt.  But, Peanut, you do it all with such grace.  You are an amazing big sister to both boys, and will forever be their big sister.  I thank God for you everyday.  Please remember that my love for you is unconditional and will forever be so.  Also, know that God's love is also unconditional.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

Carson,
You definitely put the HAM in Cunningham.  What a joy it is to be your parents.  You are the best little brother and big brother ever, all wrapped into one tiny little package.  Tiny in size but not spirit.  There are no real words to describe the energy and happiness you bring into our home.  You can light up our world with a simple giggle.  But, I have seen you change over the past year.  You are more of a homebody than ever before--and, I never dreamed this possible.  You have always been my boy who would rather stay at home than go elsewhere, but now, you never want to even leave our sides.  You would rather sleep in our room than your own room.  And, little man, I get it!  We want our kids in our backpockets more than ever before.  So, there are times that I am a little grumpy because I want my room back.....but, I won't make you leave my room for too long.  So, keep climbing in bed to snuggle!  We may growl but are ever so thankful for your snuggles.  There are never too many snuggles.  I don't want to ramble but, Carson Scott, know that our love is unconditional and everlasting.  And, so is God's love for you.
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

A True Jayhawk Fan!


William,
Baby Boy, oh how I miss you.  There are so many moments each day that make me dream and wonder about what we are missing here on Earth without you.  Your fight for four short months has given us so much inspiration.  You fought the fight of your life and ultimately your fight caught up to you.  You were and always will be our little Strong-Willed Warrior.  Our red-headed one of a kind, Rare Bird!  But, you were and will be so much more.  I think of you everytime I see a baby about the same age as you and wonder.  The wonder will continue until we meet again.  But, until then, I will wonder about what you would be doing right now if you were in my arms still.  This ache is painful but peaceful at the same time.  My baby boy is 100% healed.   And, for this, I am eternally grateful to know that my God has my baby in His arms.  God is so good at all times.  And, the benefit is I have an angel on my side....just in case, you didn't know, you go everywhere I go.  And, you love the ride of my life!  It's a Crazy Life for sure.  Just do me a favor, sweet baby boy, give me a little whiff of your sweet scent when I least expect it.  This is one of the things I miss the most about you, William Howard.  I just want to see your big blue eyes and smell your sweet scent.  I miss you and my heart hurts so much for what wasn't meant to be.  But, we are going on with our Crazy Life with you by our sides. 
Love,
Mommy (and Daddy, too!)

My last pic of you, sweet boy! And, of course in true Cunningham boy style, you stuck your tongue out at your mommy! Know that this makes your big brother and sister happy to see your spunk even on your last days. This was the day before you met Jesus, sweet boy!

Resolutions?

Every year I read others' resolutions and wonder how many keep them through the year.  I can't imagine many make it the whole year doing what they envisioned on January 1st.  I hope I never stick with one focus for a whole year.  Every day and every year, my life changes so much for a true resolution.  So, this year like many others, I resolve to not make a resolution.  Especially this year!  If I learned nothing else from 2012, I learned to live in the moment and go with it.  Tomorrow will be a new day.  And, the best moments are spent with those that you love.

I decided to set some personal goals....that can change as need be.

First one....more dates with Chris.  We have a great time together and never seem to spend time with just the two of us.  This past year our time together was always focused on our children or work, so in 2013, I want to enjoy each other.  Even if we end up talking about the kids or work over dinner.

Second one....more fun family time.  2012 revolved around too many hospital beds for the mom and baby brother.  So, 2013 needs to focus on fun times.  Mackenzie and Carson deserve our focus.  And, they are gonna get fun times.  I hope for one fun family night each month.  And, with this goal, I wanna focus on each child more.  I want Mackenzie and Carson to realize how important they are as individuals to our family.  I will be writing letters to them soon.  All three of my babies will get mommy notes.  I will write a disclaimer on Will's.

Third one....more time at home.  Last year was such a blur that I wanna focus on getting my house back.  We have never completed so many things because Chris worked out of town or I have been pregnant and puking.  And, yes, for me, they go hand in hand pregnant and puking.  So, I want to organize like crazy. Many may forget that there is definitely some OCD in me.  After all, my closet is color coded and organized by long and short sleeve shirts, etc.  So, watch out 841 S. Poplar.....I'm back!

Fourth one....more time for church.  Our Grace Community Fellowship family is amazing.  They have shown us so much love and provided a home for worship in recent years.  I have always been active in the church, but this year I wanna do more.  So, youth group and teen girls, watch out.  Here come the Cunninghams.

December #2....Christmas!!!

The joy of Christmas is definitely seen in the eyes of children.  And, I am forever grateful to have 2 children here on Earth to experience the joy of the holiday.  Chris and I have had such bittersweet moments this past week....but, Mackenzie and Carson have kept us going.  Here are some pics of their Christmas celebrations.  And, indeed, there were many celebrations.

RFTS Christmas Float, Ottawa Christmas Parade!

What a great shepherd she was!!

 

 

 

GCF Christmas Program....not any great pics of the cutest sheep ever.  He knew his line, "Baa." all too well!

 

 

 Pictures with Will's trucks.

And, the fun begins...Cunningham Christmas at our house!

 

 

Making brownies on Christmas Eve.  Aren't their aprons perfect??

 

 

Couldn't get all 5 to sit still long enough for a pic.

 

Golfclubs for the boy---watch out!

 

William gave a memory book!  All parties that received them had many tears!!

 

 Big Wheel Boy!

Gotta have Max in the pictures---I have pics every year of opening presents at my parent's house with the kids, and Max is in almost all of them. Can't miss the action!!

And, tuckered out...TOO MUCH CHRISTMAS!!!

 

 

 

December....#1

I have really struggled to get my words together over the past month.  So, today, I decided that I would do a few different posts about the busy, busy month of December.

Major Event #1 this month....Carson's big Eight Pointer.
Carson and Daddy went hunting together.  I would have loved to been in the blind watching Carson.  Poor Mackenzie went with her daddy soon after and didn't see anything except the back of her eyelids!  Soon, she will get to go hunting for her doe during extended season.

 

 

Major Event #2 this month....Carson's Christmas Program at Apple Garden. 

Preschool programs are such a delight to watch.  The innocence and joy in the kiddos' eyes is priceless.  Carson was all about hamming it up.  Once again, he puts the ham in CunningHAM!

 

 

Major Event #3....Christmas Festivities Begin at the Ottawa Fire Department.

My hubby volunteers with the Ottawa Fire Department.  But, you would never know that he is a volunteer rather than one of their full-time guys.  The OFD boys treat him like he is one of them.  And, they treat our family the same way.  This year, we came to see the brotherhood in new light with the passing of our William.  Many of the OFD boys served as honorary casketbearers and provided a service that a fallen firefighter receives when they pass.  Our William was ushered to his final resting place with OFD holding him steady in our firetruck.  And, because of the bond, the kids and I went to the OFD Christmas Party.  Poor Chris (and my brother) had to make an emergency trip to North Dakota to pick up a broken truck of ours.  So, Chris missed Santa and the OFD antics! 

Fireman Chris is a hero at our house!!  Just ask Carson!

GNO

Girls Night Out....very few people are lucky enough to live close to so many friends from preschool through high school (some even went to college with me) but I do.  In fact, I am the odd man out who lives far away from the rest.  Okay, maybe, an hour is not far away but sometimes it seems far away.  And, other times, it seems like they are next door.  This week, I can say that they all must live next door. 

I went out to dinner with Megan and Kodi.  And, they shared all my GNO friends' love for my family and me.  Throughout the past year, so many friends near and far have made my day.  But, these girls never fail!  They call, write, invite me out (even when they know that I can't go, but they still invite) and the list goes on and on. 

I knocked on Meg's door which was a bit of a shocker to her.  And, the night began.  Megan, Kodi, and I piled into Megan's Explorer with her behind the wheel.  I promised to not talk about her driving, so I won't!  Kodi and I navigated to 119th and Blackbob from Megan's house (and we didn't even need her fancy, schmanzy GPS).  Being in the car with them felt so normal.  And, man, normal felt so good on Tuesday after going over Will's autopsy.  I was afraid that I would be too emotionally drained to enjoy the evening--but I was not at all.  After all, I left CMH with a sense of wonder about my William.  He was an inspiration to all who had the joy of knowing him.  And, I deserved to be happy, too!  Dinner was great.  The socialization was fabulous.  But, the thoughts of my dear GNO friends were amazing to me.  The GNO group had a beautiful necklace made for me.

And, they know how much my kiddos and hubby mean to me.  These girls know ME.  They know that I am a mom and wife.  They know that sharing all my time is hard but that I LOVE to spend the most with my hubby and kiddos.  So, GREAT WOLF LODGE...HERE WE COME!!!

GNO CREW--I LOVE YOU.  And, thanks for loving me so much.  I can't wait to have many more memories with such a great crew.  We will make an awesome Red-Hatter's Club in 30 more years!!!!

Just in case, you all haven't been to SPIN Pizza--GO!  It was a great meal for a pretty reasonable price and a great atmosphere to do what all girls do together...TALK and GOSSIP, just a little.  (Molly, the gossip always seems to be less when you are absent...hmmm???)