Welcome back, Sara!!

I have been absent from the blogging world for FAR too long!  And, I'm back!  So much has happened since almost a year ago when I blogged last. 

THE CUNNINGHAM HAPPENINGS!

1. We have horses....and sheep.  I am NO farm girl nor have I ever been one.  But, these animals are making me experience a whole new realm.  From burning the lot to building fence to purchasing electric fence to hauling water to breaking ice.  The list goes on and on.  But, the bond our family has developed over chores is beyond measure.  I, even, like one of the big, scary beasts (oh, I mean horses).  Oscar even knows that I have a soft spot for him--it usually involves a little neck rub or peppermint candy!  Tornado is learning how to be a good boy at Erin's house right now.  I can't wait for my girl to be able to enjoy this black and white beauty in a way other than just a lead rope.  Mackenzie has been smitten with Tornado from the first time she saw his picture.  But, as many may know, HORSES AREN'T CHEAP!  So, we got into the sheep business.  Last year at the fair, Kenzie showed her two lambs, Sugar and Spice.  And, after the fair, she and her dad purchased 2 more ewe lambs, now named Evie (Everything) and Nice.  Sheep are crazy creatures.  They truly follow their shepherd (Chris and Mackenzie) wherever they may go.  They also get into some crazy escaping shenanigans.  We shall see how they do at the fair this year--and Mackenzie is going to learn some economics when she has to buy and then sell her market lamb.




2. JUDD--all I can say is his name.  We have taken to animals in this house.  In May, Mackenzie, Carson, and I surprised Chris with a new bird dog puppy.  Judd is a German Shorthaired Pointer.  What a cutie he was!  And, he may have earned the title of the Best Puppy Ever.  Sometimes, this title gets suspended for puppy behaviors.  But, he has been a great addition to our family.  He loves to run, play, and after some work this summer at the lake, swim.  The kids have so much fun with Judd.  And, I kind of think Chris likes him when he goes bird hunting.  Our other bird dogs are 13 years old now--they just can't keep up anymore.  But, don't tell Nina that as she escaped from her padlocked chain again today.  HOUDINA!!






3. BULL SHOALS LAKE.  What a place.  We decided that last year instead of a big family vacation we were going to use our camper on multiple occasions.  What a treat.  We did take one whole week at the lake, but we also took many weekend trips.  It was indeed just what we all needed.  A little getaway without being too far.  A place to call our own--even if the camper has a tiny little kitchen.  We enjoyed countless days on the water--some with friends and family and some with just us (and Judd!).  We made the trip to Branson to Silver Dollar City.  If you have a family, this is the best family park.  Always clean, always friendly.  And, a step back in time.






4. SCHOOL.  Preschool graduation.  Where did his time at Apple Garden go?  For those that don't know, Apple Garden is amazing.  We have been blessed by wonderful in-home settings for Mackenzie and Carson when they were little.  Apple Garden was like home for Carson--and the rest of the Cunninghams with preschool in a daycare center setting.  KINDERGARTEN--what?  Yep, our boy ventured off to "real" school this year.  And, Mackenzie is now in 3rd grade.  She has grown so much physically but academically as well.  Her daddy likes to call her a NERD.  But, the apple didn't fall from this tree.  She might be her momma in so many ways.  Watch out, world!  Just ask Mackenzie for her not impressed face!




5. WORLD SERIES!!  I know it doesn't seem to be a big deal.  But, to our family, it was so much fun.  We got to go to GAME 6.  What a cool experience.  Let's hope that we don't wait another 29 years to go back to a BLUE OCTOBER.  We love our Royals!




CUNNINGHAM FIVE BECOMES CUNNINGHAM FIVE PLUS ONE:
BABY BEAN!  I saved the best happening for now.  Baby Bean is due to arrive April 29th if not a few days before.  This pregnancy was a bit of a shock to the Cunningham Family.  After losing William, we never expected our family to grow again.  We are ever so excited.  Losing a child is a pain like no other.  We all still ache for William each and every day.  This ache will never go away.  There are days that it is faded a little and other days when the ache is all too consuming.  But, as I have stated before, HOPE and FEAR are 2 totally separate things that cannot co exist.  We are choosing HOPE.  This baby brings a new HOPE--not a replacement one to our family.  For all of you who want to know, it is a baby!  We have never found out what we are having before delivery.  The pure joy of hearing the doctor announce "It's a Girl." "Mackenzie has a Baby Brother" "Mackenzie and Carson have a new Baby Brother" is like no other joy.  So, you all have to wait until we hear the fantabulous Dr. John announce to us and then to Mackenzie and Carson what our family has been blessed with in April.  So, stay tuned.  All bets are a go.  Many of you know that pregnancy and Sara do not always get along.  But, I truly feel pretty good.  I still throw up daily but have only been in the hospital 24 hours with this pregnancy.  And, this is an amazing gift from God.  I feel great--can't seem to gain much weight.  But, the baby is so healthy.  And.....drumroll, HAS A HEALTHY HEART.  Hearing that the echo pictures were perfect was like an ultimate breath of fresh air.  Baby Bean is growing like crazy and his/her big brother, William, has helped to make sure that his/her heart is PERFECT!  What a great angel we have on our side.


I can't get any pictures to load....keep checking!  Hopefully, I can get them to add.  Grrr!!

Sick Day at home...lots of work done for the mom!

Last week, I was struck with a 20 hour bug.  It included a fever, abdominal pain, fatigue.  But, it went away as soon as it arrived.  Thank goodness!  And, then it hit my husband in the form of a fever, body aches, and blah-feeling tummy.  (Not my best medical terminology, I know)  And, last night it hit our girl.  One minute Mackenzie was fine and the next, not so much.  Fever, headache, body aches, and blah-feeling tummy.   So, SICK DAY at home.

Yes...they stayed in their jammies all day!

My workspace....lots done here today.

I have been uber-productive!!  Taxes all but done....gotta do the business portion in order to finish our personal ones.  But, February 20th is way better than my last 2 years of April 13th to begin the process.  Laundry...check!   Dishes...check (well, not quite, but the thought has hit me)  Nurse...check (Mackenzie is feeling pretty blah.  And, she continues to run a fever.  But, her 20 hours hasn't hit quite yet.)  Laugh...check (Carson has been home with us today.  And, there isn't a day that goes by without something he says or does to make me laugh)  Business drama...CHECK!  Employees stealing from you is never a thought that comes to mind when you begin a business....oh well, such is life!!

A lot has been on my mind lately....I got to meet my new niece this week.  Madilynn Aubrey joins her two big brothers, Milam and Malachi.  And, she is beautiful.  Her momma had to work all day on Monday to bring her into this world.  I am convinced that Madilynn Aubrey wanted to incubate just a little longer.  After all, Andrea might grow the biggest babies in her oven.  She is an incubator for sure.  Me, not so much!!

Holding my new niece and seeing the joy in all in the room was a little tough for this heartbroken momma.  But, it also reinforced the reassurance that clouds fade in families.  The clouds have faded in the Cunningham family as Madilynn was born...she has a BIG responsibility.  We were all searching for JOY--and it came in her 10# 9oz. package.  I can hardly wait to snuggle her some more.  Does it remind me of my boy and the Hope that each baby brings?  Of course, it does.  Every time I see a new baby, it takes me back to 2012.  Will this ever fade?  I doubt it.  Does the heartbreak of losing one's child ever go away?  NO--I will not let it go away.  My baby boy, William, had a purpose and touched so many in 4 1/2 months.  He still moves many--CHD week was last week.  I love seeing our friends and family proudly wearing their red in memory of our boy.  Each time someone asks about congenital heart defects, I know many of you think of our William.  And, for this, I am forever grateful. 

Does holding a new baby make us long for babies in our home?  Yes, it does.  I have seen one of my dearest friends bring her 3rd baby into this world and now my niece arrived--making the third baby in her family.  Seeing those close to you have what you dreamed of is never easy.  I thank God everyday for my children and all of the children in this world.  I might have taken my ability to get pregnant for granted, my wonderful husband for granted, my family support for granted, the friends (old and new) for granted.  But, I don't anymore.  So, seeing these new babies--Brikan and Madilynn makes me relish each moment a little more.  The sounds of family joy can be heard in million different ways--including the cartoons in my background, the dishwasher running, the heater kicking on, etc......

For those that remember, pregnancy for this blond-haired momma is 9 months of nausea and puking.  But, the end result is pure joy!  Yet, there are no guarantees.  We have 2 beautiful, healthy children here on Earth and one beautifully healed boy in Heaven.  Do you play the odds?  Do you hold your hand closely and walk away from the gamble?  Do you seek other methods to add to your family?  Do you?????  Can't you all see that there are no easy answers in life.  We were content with our 3 children because 1 of them was going to require a lot of extras---but now we can't snuggle him anymore.  He is present in all of our snuggles....but it is a different feeling to not feel him, smell him, taste him (come on, all parents I know have nibbled on toes and gotten sloppy kisses with remnants of lunch/dinner with those kisses), see him, or hear his giggles when his brother tells funny jokes (Carson would have had Will in stitches...we can only imagine the TROUBLE those two would have been into).  I have talked with other grief-stricken parents out there--and they seem to struggle with some of the same thoughts and emotions.  I hope me writing them down helps them as much as it helps me.

I am not asking any reader to give me the answers.  I just want to put my thoughts on paper (so to speak).  It seems like we all are so busy...and stating some things isn't easy in the oral form but on paper, they just flow.  I write for my therapy--so, thanks to all of you, therapists!  There is no check in the mail for your services.  So, in essence, please pray for God to guide our plans.  His guidance hasn't and will not fail us.  And, as we have experienced, prayer works.

New Year...

New Year's has come and gone.  Groundhog's Day has come and gone.  And, here I sit blogging about my resolutions for 2014.  I used to sit and blog from the hospital when there was NOTHING else to do.  I am not a Daytime TV fan.  After our days in the hospital were done, I would blog from my bed.  But, since then my personal laptop has taken a dive down a 7 year old's lane.  In other words, she hijacked it a time or two and it has gotten SLOW!  So, I sent it with my favorite 18 year old computer nerd.  Jacob goes to our church...and he is brilliant when it comes to computers.

Today, I decided to steal Chris's office laptop.  Well, actually I was working on some office stuff from inside our warm abode.  And, then I got bored with that so I here I am blogging.  Our lives have been steady Eddy which is a true blessing.

My resolutions for this year are pretty simple but oh so important.

1.  Drink More Water.  No one can argue of the importance.  I am really working on 48-64oz minimum a day.  I have found that this is easy to do while at work.  I stare at my water bottle all day...and I talk with patients.  So, after each patient encounter, I drink water.  I am finding 64oz easy peezy on the weekdays.  But, the weekends not so much.  Out of sight, out of mind.

2. Spend Time with my Husband.  Easier said than done.  Work in progress.  Chris and I have been married for 10 years last August.  And, honestly, I love him more today than yesterday.  Marriage isn't roses all day or most days.  However, as long as there is a ROSE moment each day, we can continue on for another 10 years ++++++.

3. Get OUTSIDE!  I love being in the outdoors.  I love the sun hitting my face, the breeze blowing my hair, the smell of fresh cut grass (even if my allergies don't like it), the birds singing or squirrels barking (seems mre prevalent around here), and the list goes on.  Today, the outdoors is not my friend.  10+ inches of snow and bitter cold temperatures.  Can we say stir crazy, mommy and kiddos?  Luckily, we were able to play outdoors yesterday---well, Mackenzie and Carson played while Chris and I shoveled.  And, sad to say, our driveway was shoveled and then 2 more inches fell.  Oh well!

4. Practice What I Preach.  I am really striving hard to be the best Christian wife and mother.  This is not an easy task.  I am really working hard to be more patient, kind, compassionate, less judgmental, etc.  I am working to be more open to others and their point of views.  I am trying hard to be a good example for Mackenzie and Carson.  Grace Community Fellowship has been our church home for 5 years.  The members are our family.  They inspire me.  They have held us up on our darkest days and hold us daily as we walk this Earth.

5. BLOG MORE.  Easier said than done.  My goal was to do a monthly blog update.  So, here is January's a few days late.  I also am reading some amazingly inspiring bloggers.  They are making me think of a weekly blog.  Just a quick note so that my readers can see what THE CRAZY LIFE OF THE CUNNINGHAMS is like.  As a side note, this crazy life involves a husband plowing snow in a loader right now, a mom trying to escape the kids who have gone stir crazy, and Mackenzie (imagine this) running through the house like a horse and her brother, Carson, chasing the crazy filly as her wrangler.  And, William, our precious angel, is Up Above basking in the Glorious Sunlight toddling around as an almost 21 month old in Heaven.  Where has time gone?

HALLOWEEN.

I am that CORNY mom who does themes for Halloween...and, I even make my kids dress alike for Christmas and Easter.  I am not too picky about most things--and, you know it, if you have seen some hair dos or outfits that Mackenzie and Carson choose.  But, I love them to GO TOGETHER for Halloween.   Here are some pics of their previous costumes.

A Frog Prince and His Princess

The year of the JAYHAWK and KU CHEERLEADER

HOUSE ON FIRE--Good thing, there is a FIREMAN close!!!

SHARK ATTACK!!!  Watch out, Scuba Diver!!!

FEARS

FEARS...seems to be the perfect time to start this blog since Halloween is just around the corner...But, it has been on my heart and mind for quite some time.  

Our small group in church...which by the way might be some of the coolest people EVER is reading the book FEARLESS by Max Lucado.  This book deals with fears that we ALL struggle with on a daily basis.  And, how we should not FEAR anything.  Easier said than done, huh?

When I began reading this book, it really made me analyze the fears in my own life.  And, am I pushing my fears onto others?  Or, are they pushing their fears onto me?  Why do we FEAR?  What good does FEAR do?

What are other FEARS that can take over all rational thoughts?  Spiders for some--not me, I can squash them!  Snakes--okay maybe!  Death--NOPE, HEAVEN is WAY better!   Heights--for those that know me, this is a big deal.  But, I have photographic proof that I walked across the Royal Gorge Bridge.  My legs were shaking the whole time as I carried Carson in the Baby Bjorn and held Mackenzie's little hand.  But, I didn't let FEAR win. 

Can't see my legs quivering---but they were!!

(Kenz and Carson were so little!!)

 

SO HIGH!!

 

Not only did I walk across the bridge...but I rode in the Tram with 16 of my closest friends who waited in the same line for the craziness...BUT FEAR LOST!!

I also know that as a parent I could not let my FEAR become my child's FEAR.  Have any of you had similar situations?  Does FEAR consume your life or someone you know?  HOPE always wins and FEAR always loses!  And, no one wants to be a LOSER!

The greatest fear any parent ever has is for something to happen to one of their children.  CHECK.  Something did happen to my precious baby.  But, the whole time William was alive here on Earth--I never feared the possibility of death.  I know that seems hard to believe, but it is so true.  I had HOPE.  HOPE and FEAR are two separate things that CANNOT live as one.  So, I chose HOPE.  And, now my hope resides in Heaven.  Because, that's where my baby is.  I have HOPE for my other two children daily.  I do not fear what may happen to them.  God is in total control of their lives.  I have hope for today, tomorrow, and fond memories of yesterday for both, Mackenzie and Carson. 

I remember Chris had two weeks or so of FEAR for William when his older brother, Donnie, called him on his FEAR.  And, he changed as a parent.  He released his FEAR.  He became a parent filled with Hope rather than Fear.  It was a freeing experience for him and amazing as a wife to see the transformation. 

I also saw FEAR in my dad.  My dad is the perpetual pessimist (oh, I forgot, his favorite term...REALIST!).  He would visit William everyday (almost).  Will got used to hearing his voice right about 8-8:30 every morning.  Almost, every time my dad and I had a heart to heart about William or my other kiddos.  He would say "You just never know."  "What are you going to do if something doesn't go right?"  "You need to spend more time with Mackenzie and Carson just in case William doesn't get better."  I sensed the fear in him with each phrase that he said.  But, I held strong to my HOPE.  "I cannot think like that."  "There are no guarantees in anything we do, so this is right for today."

When one can smile after major heart surgery---why wouldn't you choose HOPE?

And...when they go through so much and still look so peaceful.  It's because HOPE wins and FEAR loses!!

So...in summary.  FEAR and HOPE can never co-exist.  CHOOSE HOPE!!  I do, daily.  And, it seems to make each day a little easier.

Tiny in Size but not Spirit

4th of July---the first time we have stayed home on the Holiday.  Chris and I decided that we could not handle a bunch of people.  You see, last year on the 4th, we were preparing for William to have his first cardiac cath on the 5th.  So, instead, we hung out at home.  The time at home gave us some reflection and freedom to do as we please.  Chris found himself doing what he does best...working on a project to keep his grief in check.  My backyard and the neighbor's yard both look cleaned up.  I did some little stuff around the house but mostly sat back and watched my family just be.  The kids played in the pool while I sat in the hammock.  Delightful may be just the perfect word.  We spent the evening in our Firetruck watching the city of Ottawa's fireworks.  Poor Chris and Carson missed them all---our boy needed a bathroom break at the most opportune of times.  The boy has been called a Pooping Machine from our old baby-sitter.  So...this leads me to the next update on my little man!!  This post is all about Carson.

Watch out---here comes a mischief maker for sure!!

Carson--some of you may know a little about our Little Man and his size issues.  He was a healthy size baby, but it didn't last long.  About 16 months of age, he went from 40th percentile to less than 3rd percentile.  We followed his growth closely with our local doc...who we value his opinion and trust his care more than any other doctor we have ever dealt with except Will's doctors who had our baby's life in their hands, literally.  But, our doc decided about 2 years ago that Carson was not growing as he should.  So, we went to Ready, Set, Grow at CMH--where we were questioned about his diet.  And, I know that some might choose one kid over the other to feed but not these parents.  We tried to increase caloric intake...hard to do when a certain boy can't tolerate milk products.  And, he just wouldn't grow.  Then, we had William...and life stood still. 

After a while, we decided that Carson was still not growing.  And our doctor thought it was best to send us down a different avenue--endocrine.  So, we took Carson to the Endocrine Clinic at CMH.  Labs--most of which were completely normal, a few a little low growth factors....wait 6 months and see where he is at.  Well, June was six months.  And, Carson didn't gain 1 ounce and only a grew 3 cms.  Then comes a referral to GI Clinic at CMH--and, when Endocrine refers you, appointments come FAST.  Way faster than when I refer a patient to CMH GI Clinic!  Well, GI Clinic led to GI testing to check Carson's digestive processes and the possibility of Cystic Fibrosis.  Carson had a sweat chloride test done.  NEGATIVE.  Praise God! 

Long story short, Carson had an EGD/Flexible sigmoidoscopy at the beginning of August.   I am a nurse practitioner in a surgery clinic that does A LOT of GI consults.  So, preparing my son for endoscopy was no biggie.  I speak the language.  And, 4 year olds think it is SUPER cool to eat Jell-O and Gatorade for dinner.  I wish my patients thought it was so cool.  But, enemas on a tiny 4 year old are just cruel.  I felt like the meanest mom ever.  And, Carson reminded me how mean I am.  Carson has never been at a loss for words...good thing we try really hard not to curse in front of our children.  Because I am pretty sure I would have been called every name in the book.  Which brings me to the best thing about the prep...."You are being a mean mommy.  Did you not read the book on 'How to be a Good Mommy'"  I proceeded to reply that, "No, I didn't read the book because I haven't seen the book on Being a Good Mommy.  But, I promise that if I do find it.  I will READ it!" 

His EGD and flex sig were negative.  So, no GI reason for his tiny size.  Carson is developmentally on track (understatement...ahead of the game on most things except growth).  He weighs only 5 pounds more than he did before he was 2...he is now 4!  We are waiting on him to grow.  But, in the mean time, anyone who knows Carson knows that TINY IN SIZE BUT NOT SPIRIT.

SCARED OF NOTHING---yep, that's him flying high!!

Summer 2013...A Review in Pictures!!!

Where did it go?  So, I realized that I never posted this post today when I went to write a post that has been weighing on my heart.

I was looking at my calendar and realized that August is TOMORROW.  Where did this time go?When did July fly by without a blink of the eye.  The Cunningham family has been really busy over the last month.  I will give you a little run down through some pictures...and write a meaningful blog in a few minutes (or a day or two).

What's not to love about this boy??  Hawaiian shirt, cowboy boots and spurs, spiked hair.

Grace Community Fellowship, here comes CARSON!!

 

A great day at the Kansas City Zoo---thanks to Will for sharing his birthday present with us to enjoy all year--and think of him when we go to the Zoo!!

VACATION/CONFERENCE---here come the Cunninghams.   Who hasn't taken this token picture?  My goal is to take one every year (or every time we head to Colorado)

C...Copper (or Carson)

M...Mountain (or Mackenzie)

One of the biggest Adirondack chairs I have ever seen....with 2 of the cutest kiddos in it!!

Carson...high flying!!

The view from our hike--Ms. Kathie's mountains!

Chris and Kenzie after finishing the zipline...Poor Carson didn't weigh enough.  But, no fear, he will definitely be ready when and if he hits 50 pounds.  Guess, you gotta get to 30 pounds first, huh?

Carson turns 4--and gets to spend his own birthday money.  What else would you buy but a raccoon hat, gun, leather billfold, and leather canteen??

Thanks to whoever asked about a cake at VBS--late night run to Country Mart and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cake to the rescue.  And, Myranda who finished the decorations for us!!!

A tradition for our lucky 4 year old...Happy Birthday at Vacation Bible School.